Heart To Stone

Heart To Stone

If give you a piece of myself

don't take advantage.

If I've opened up my hands and given you my broken mending heart,

its much more than a gift,

it's trust suspended and vulnerable.

If I cry and approach you with my concerns,

if I speak in loops and come to you with the same pain and worry,

don't try to fix it,

don't try to excuse it or explain it away.

If I am sincere and ask you something that came from the deepest part of me

and probably took everything to it go to you,

give me no excuses, no lies.

For this is all of me being offered to you,

exposed and open.

This is me giving my all to you,

offering my love and everything I have left to give.

But if the tears stop...

the emotions cease...

and all the periphrastic utterance does not leave my lips,

then know that my broken heart is no longer just broken,

but turned to stone.

Except my tears...

for when they leave

there is nothing else of me that I wish to share,

no more is my trust given,

but all is taken away.

When you've taken advantage,

taken the fragile heart I've held out in my hand

tossed it to the side for another fleeting fancy,

know this...

a heart of stone is no longer malleable,

it no longer feels the pain

will no longer be open to the same source again.

On that day regret is all you will have

left right next to the empty, cold spot

that once my warm, mending, accepting heart you placed.

Gone goes the broken heart turned to stone....

By AponiNova

Sunflowers Aren't Pretty

I always use the excuse that sunflowers aren't that pretty in real life, and portraits and paintings always make them out like they are this beautiful thing, but in truth it is a bent reality, something ugly made to look beautiful so that we feel better about it. Truth is I hate sunflowers because it represents everything fake in people, everything that most people are. However, there was this moment in my life where sunflowers seemed so beautiful to me. We went to Kansas to visit my great Grandmother, she had simple sunflowers everywhere in her house, especially the kitchen. But it wasn't the sunflowers that I loved necessarily, it was what they represented to this beautiful wise woman, and how I longed to know what she knew, she had such a sweet heart, and was always willing to give, but her eyes.... her eyes spoke more than words could ever give to me, I feel like she held such sorrow, pain, joy and wisdom. It was curious to me, how a woman could hold all of that and more and still be the wonderful woman that she was. Sunflowers represented the fullness in her life. They had been beautiful to me, because finally they made sense in that one moment: Sunflowers only live for about three and a half months and grow to be between about 5 to 12 feet high, and the truth about that is they only stay pretty for about 1 week and that's right after they bloom, then they load down with seeds and the petals turn a dreadful color and fall off. You see, the representation became plain, because her life represented to me the growth of a sunflower, not the beauty. Out of the seed, the first root, radicle, pushes through and develops into a taproot. It continues to expand through primary and secondary tissues. Primary roots develop from primary tissues of the apical trimester that increase the length of the plant. Secondary roots, from secondary tissues of the lateral trimesters give rise to the girth of the plant. Both structures are vital for the growth and strength of the stem. The stem of a sunflower grows from the plume found inside the seed. The plumule is an embryo shoot with a hypocaust stem structure below the point where the plume was attached and an epicycloid stem structure above this attachment point. Since a sunflower is a dicot, the cross-section of the stem organizes the vascular bundles in an away to separate the cortex and create a pith. This is opposite of its root structure, which does not include a pith. The vascular bundles consisting of xylem and phloem transport water, mainly acquired from the roots, and food, mainly developed in the leaves, throughout the plant. The plumule gives rise to the first leaves of the plant that will go on to grow into organs for transpiration, with the opening and closing of the stomata found within the cell structure of leaves; for photosynthesis, and for other metabolic activities. Then finally the first bud of the flower gives way. The flower of a sunflower is actually several flowers, which is why it is considered an inflorescence. An inflorescence is a group of several flowers. Therefore, the many individual packets at the center of the head are the fruits of the plant, not the seeds. Each flower of the sunflower consists of the typical structures of a flower: receptacle, peduncle, sepal, petals, stamen, and a pistil. Consequently, every flower is able to develop fruit, or the ripened ovary, with the ovule (seed) inside. Before I lose you to boredom completely, the whole meaning is that very rarely do we see the beauty in people's lives so we choose to hang on to the one meaningless moment when the outside seemed to show beauty, the true beauty is on the inside and the trial it takes to get there. Am I saying that I like sunflowers now? Absolutely not, because they still represent the fake in the world, the temporary, because if they were represented correctly, then the true beauty of them could actually be appreciated.

The Fourth Stage: The Adult

Finally, when the caterpillar has done all of its forming and changing inside the pupa, if you are lucky, you will get to see an adult butterfly emerge.  When the butterfly first emerges from the chrysalis, both of the wings are going to be soft and folded against its body. This is because the butterfly had to fit all its new parts inside of the pupa.

As soon as the butterfly has rested after coming out of the chrysalis, it will pump blood into the wings in order to get them working and flapping – then they get to fly.  Usually within a three or four-hour period, the butterfly will master flying and will search for a mate in order to reproduce.  

When in the fourth and final stage of their lives, adult butterflies are constantly on the look out to reproduce and when a female lays their eggs on some leaves, the butterfly life cycle will start all over.

Much like life when you first step into the adult world, it seems all fresh and new. Like a beautiful new beginning. For some it starts out normally, they go through their childhood, enter into school, head through their teen years, onto careers and families. For others they face harder situations and have to struggle to finally make it. Either way, they are set on a path to something new.

For myself it was a difficult one. My adulthood started in my teenage years. I had to help my struggling family out, dealt with dangerous situations, caused by myself and others. Had a very hard early life in the weird reality of how normal and great my family really was. But had I not gone through things (been abused, used and taken for granted, etc...) I would not have been able to raise three wonderful, amazing boys on my own. Thanks to my amazing family to keep me sane, I made it through.

The Third Stage: Pupa (Chrysalis)

The pupa stage is one of the coolest stages of a butterfly’s life.  As soon as a caterpillar is done growing and they have reached their full length/weight, they form themselves into a pupa, also known as a chrysalis.  From the outside of the pupa, it looks as if the caterpillar may just be resting, but the inside is where all of the action is.  Inside of the pupa, the caterpillar is rapidly changing.
Now, as most people know, caterpillars are short, stubby and have no wings at all.  Within the chrysalis the old body parts of the caterpillar are undergoing a remarkable transformation, called ‘metamorphosis,’ to become the beautiful parts that make up the butterfly that will emerge. Tissue, limbs and organs of a caterpillar have all been changed by the time the pupa is finished, and is now ready for the final stage of a butterfly’s life cycle.
As a teenager, I was always troubled emotionally, I felt nobody truly understood me. School was difficult, I was ridiculed by my peers, felt I was ugly and fat, that I was weird and alone in the world, that my thoughts were so misunderstood that I was a creature like none other. My mother would always say others were jealous of me, my father didn't know how to handle me. I didn't trust my friends, some for good reasons, others because of those few that I had reason to mistrust. I therefore protected myself by not opening up because when I did I trusted too much and was let down every time. I was raped when I was 13 because I trusted too much. I began to think that I was no good to men except for one thing because nobody understood me or my thinking. I thought that God and my family abandoned me. My later teens I turned to drugs and alcohol, it helped me not to think or feel. I stopped feeling, I became numb, didn't care what happened to myself or others, I used a lot of people, I hurt a lot of people... I became what I hated most about my peers in school. I regret a lot, wish I could fix them. But not all things could be fixed and what I realized is that who it hurt the most was myself. I had a lot of broken pieces, open wounds, wounds that were gaping that never healed. I realize that most people get equipped to deal with life in  this stage inwardly, that is the growth period for this time. Some know how to deal with it, while others.... well, others have a lot more to prepare for. My path was only the beginning.....

The Second Stage: The Larva (Caterpillar)

When the egg finally hatches, most of you would expect for a butterfly to emerge, right?  Well, not exactly.  In the butterfly’s life cycle, there are four stages and this is only the second stage.  Butterfly larvae are actually what we call caterpillars. Caterpillars do not stay in this stage for very long and mostly, in this stage all they do is eat.   

When the egg hatches, the caterpillar will start his work and eat the leaf they were born onto. This is really important because the mother butterfly needs to lay her eggs on the type of leaf the caterpillar will eat – each caterpillar type likes only certain types of leaves. Since they are tiny and can not travel to a new plant, the caterpillar needs to hatch on the kind of leaf it wants to eat.   

Caterpillars need to eat and eat so they can grow quickly. When a caterpillar is born, they are extremely small. When they start eating, they instantly start growing and expanding.  Their exoskeleton (skin) does not stretch or grow, so they grow by “molting” (shedding the outgrown skin) several times while it grows.
When I was little I talked to my mom about angels. I would ask her questions, like "What is an angel?" "What are they like?" "What do they look like?" "Are they here with us?". My mom found out that I would sit and talk to my guardian angel. I know this sounds strange to most people or that they think that I had an imaginary friend. Often times we explain things around us that seem strange or unbelievable by their non-existence. I believe that the human mind is capable of many great things and we disassociate with them because other parts of our mind can't process them, coming from that we don't use our whole brain simultaneously. That's why I find autism to be so interesting, but that is another story for another day.
I bring what I am calling "The Angel Encounter" up for one reason. How and why we raise our children to believe is the very being they will become regardless of how we might feel as adults about our past. When we are young (under 10) is our most impressionable time in our lives, so whatever happens in that time is our cause and effect for the rest of our lives. I became a deep thinker because my mom allowed me to think through every situation for my self, she answered questions but then asked me to interpret situations from my own perspective. My mother laid out an environment that I grew off of. That supported who I was to become as an adult and what built a foundation for the things that I would have to go through to pull me through for the future. It was my strength.

The First Stage: The Egg

   A butterfly starts life as a very small, round, oval or cylindrical egg.  The coolest thing about butterfly eggs, especially monarch butterfly eggs, is that if you look close enough you can actually see the tiny caterpillar growing inside of it. Some butterfly eggs may be round, some oval and some may be ribbed while others may have other features. The egg shape depends on the type of butterfly that laid the egg. 

Butterfly eggs are usually laid on the leaves of plants, so if you are actively searching for these very tiny eggs, you will have to take some time and examine quite a few leaves in order to find some.

   The concept of being born into this world is simple. Man meets woman (or nowadays woman meets man), man takes interest in woman, they build a relationship of sorts, man marries woman (preferably), they build a family. My story begins the same. From what I understand of it, my mother met my father through his sister. So there is no confusion here, I will just say for the sake privacy (and because I like to put color in my stories) my Dad will be named Eddy and my Mom will be name Ellie. Mary (my name for my aunt) and Ellie were close friends. Long story short Eddy and Ellie went on a couple of dates. I believe it was the second date that Eddy looked over at Ellie and said "I love you, and I think you love me and when two people love each other they get married, we should get married." More or less that is how it started. Next thing you know my brother was a concept. When he was about one and a half I became the next concept.

Lifecycle of a butterfly

   Have you ever really looked at the Lifecycle of a butterfly? I mean really looked? It's amazing. I mean truly amazing. How such a delicate creature with 4 stages, each stage very vulnerable, can survive it all.

   Well, I'm gonna take you deeper than that. I'm gonna take you on that journey. I'm going to give you a life of experiences, but your gonna see it through one butterfly's eyes. Enjoy the journey.